i can't seem to figure out why i don't use the stupid shift key, god knows, i used the backspace button enough. haha. maybe it's just that i feel inadequate to use caps on anything now adays. nathan acts like he has actually changed. he does seem more the "old nathan" that i loved, and i even felt possessed to tackle him tonight and tell him that i loved him and wanted to be with him forever, and that almost brought tears to my eyes. he is so selfish though, and i doubt that i can deal with this... no, i don't DOUBT, i KNOW i can't, won't, and will not deal with this. i feel like i'm a coat, in coat check, and when he feels he's ready, he'll come get me to take me home, to take me with him, to let me envelop him like a warm winter jacket, but until then he's keeping me waiting in the closet, pushed all the way to the back, and damn it, i don't want to be in the back.

i sigh too much lately, and i don't care anymore, which, i've come to find out, is almost as bad as caring. my mouth still hurts, and my head hurts.

sometimes i wish i was beautiful, life would be easier if i was beautiful.

would someone please make me feel beautiful? the one i depend on makes me feel invisible,

and invisible is at the other spectrum of beautiful.

i want to be beautiful, loved, and cared for.

why can't he give me what i've given him?

now the tears start, why should they ever stop? It's stupidity to think that letting myself live with this, that i could be better. i want to believe him, i want to trust, only i feel that if i do, i might as well shove the dagger in and twist, and twist.

ear candy for now:

bright eyes:

did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?

like the suns' just going to drop if it's night you demand

...

I think you lost what you loved

in that mess of details

they seemed so important at the time

now you can't even recall,

any names faces or lines, it's more the feeling of it all

well winter's going to end

i'm going to clean these veins again

so close to dying i'm finally going to start living. for now you can find this in my away AIM at home when i'm updating, seeing as all i talk about now is "us" or "him" Auto response from CnfssnlGirl: putting words to the page so that the tears don't fall to far from my eyes this eve listening to bright eyes and reflecting on all those things he's left unsaid and unseen

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

.nothing.fuck.it. - 11.25.02

.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02