this is an entry mostly about andipants and i, we had a conversationa and i talked about the nathan situation, (my boyfriend), and how we broke up and the things we had to go through. there are a lot of other things not disclosed here, as there is only so much you can type or talk about when shaking. the memories of the pain and heartbreak i felt are still too real and i hate to rehash it all. i hope this is a good read. goodnight.

cnfssnlgirl: When I found out about all this shit nathan lied to me about.

starseed705: lol

cnfssnlgirl: i'll never forget that feeling..

starseed705: i know exactly what you mean

cnfssnlgirl: and the feeling of helplessness and desolation when he looked at me, and lied about it.

starseed705: i hate, hate, hate that

starseed705: i hate when someone can look you in the face and lie to you

starseed705: that is my pet peeve

starseed705: didn't used to be

starseed705: then i was with brian and THAT is when it started

cnfssnlgirl: right on

starseed705: so now like...even lying about LITTLE TINY THINGS sets me off

cnfssnlgirl: I AGREE

cnfssnlgirl: Nathan lied to me about a movie he had seen

cnfssnlgirl: he said he hadn't seen it

cnfssnlgirl: when he had IN FACT seen it with that 34 year old bitch

starseed705: what happened with the 34year old (unless you don't wanna say and that's totally fine)

cnfssnlgirl: oh geeze

cnfssnlgirl: let's start

cnfssnlgirl: here's the story

cnfssnlgirl: we got together 2000 october

cnfssnlgirl: moved fast

cnfssnlgirl: he had bought a ring by 2001 jan

cnfssnlgirl: by october of 2001 i was total bitch

cnfssnlgirl: had reunited with horrible friend name taira

cnfssnlgirl: and she took me partying, and totally fucked upmy priorities.

cnfssnlgirl: Nathan hated her

cnfssnlgirl: and taira always talked about how fun it was being single

cnfssnlgirl: so.

cnfssnlgirl: by october of 2001, on our anny.. he broke up with me, b/c i kinda forced him into it by being a huge bitch

cnfssnlgirl: i was like, alright, fine.

cnfssnlgirl: That was the first time he EVER called me a FUCKING bitch

cnfssnlgirl: so.

cnfssnlgirl: The next day at work, he called me

cnfssnlgirl: and said he wanted to work things out

cnfssnlgirl: how he was sorry (when I was the one who should have been sorry)

cnfssnlgirl: I told him that I didn't care, we were OVER and that was that

cnfssnlgirl: he said he wanted closure

cnfssnlgirl: and I said, how much closure do you need? We are DONE.

cnfssnlgirl: click.

cnfssnlgirl: that was it

cnfssnlgirl: then by nov taira had totally FUCKED me over

cnfssnlgirl: there was this guy I liked, she ended up taking him to a party and staying the night with him

cnfssnlgirl: I figured out what a bitch she was

cnfssnlgirl: got my priorities in order

cnfssnlgirl: lost my job

cnfssnlgirl: and then I called Nathan to apologise

cnfssnlgirl: Before I called Nathan,

cnfssnlgirl: My grandma bowled on a league with nathan

cnfssnlgirl: and so thanksgiving eve, i went up to the bowling ally, hoping he would look at me, talk to me

cnfssnlgirl: he didn't even look my way.

cnfssnlgirl: *he says that he didn't even see me*

cnfssnlgirl: I was only up there for maybe 3 min

cnfssnlgirl: then i headed up to the local bar

cnfssnlgirl: got totally trashed with my mom's friend tina

cnfssnlgirl: my mom had to come get me

cnfssnlgirl: i called nathan dec 12 or so

cnfssnlgirl: it was a sunday

cnfssnlgirl: he wasn't home

cnfssnlgirl: I knew then he had someone else.

cnfssnlgirl: I didn't expect a call back.. but on monday he called me

cnfssnlgirl: we talked, i didn't reveal that i was sorry and that i wanted another chance. i said, you've already got someone else don't you?

cnfssnlgirl: and I was kinda pissed, b/c he always said that he would never date again after me and him.

cnfssnlgirl: he said, kinda, it's a long sotry

cnfssnlgirl: story

cnfssnlgirl: he didn't tell me how he met her

cnfssnlgirl: or anything

cnfssnlgirl: so

cnfssnlgirl: the week before christmas, that friday, before his vacation, i was going to go up to his work and meet him when he got off and reveal everything

cnfssnlgirl: I decided to email him instead.

cnfssnlgirl: (mistake)

cnfssnlgirl: He never got the emai

cnfssnlgirl: email.. because he had left work and headed to Indianapolis Indiana to be with this bitch named CINDY. blah. who is 34 and had THREE KIDS, one with muscular distrophy, and she lived with her SISTER.

cnfssnlgirl: I didn't know where he went

cnfssnlgirl: I kept calling, emailing

cnfssnlgirl: NO ONE knew where he was

cnfssnlgirl: I assumed that christmas he would come home

cnfssnlgirl: He would call me

cnfssnlgirl: He didn't even come home for christmas..

cnfssnlgirl: (this was on a wednesday)

cnfssnlgirl: by friday i had his brother out for breakfast with me

cnfssnlgirl: and he finally told me where he thought nathan was

cnfssnlgirl: He said he couldn't find a number but he had looked at nathan's yahoo achrive

cnfssnlgirl: I had actually gotten into nathan's email in hopes of recovering something, but all i found were porn subscrips and a couple subscrips to personal ad services online (he didn't waste any time)

cnfssnlgirl: So

Saty's when the action took place

cnfssnlgirl: I went over to the house

cnfssnlgirl: grabbed the phone bill

cnfssnlgirl: and found the number

cnfssnlgirl: in indianapolis indian

cnfssnlgirl: .......

cnfssnlgirl: I couldn't call

cnfssnlgirl: I went down, read what his brother told me

cnfssnlgirl: (and I had actually taken a pg test that day b/c i was afraid i might be pg with his child)

cnfssnlgirl: I called the number, no one answered

cnfssnlgirl: I left a message on the machine

cnfssnlgirl: If you have any idea where nathan schindler please have him call 2877986 it's urgent

cnfssnlgirl: About an hour later when i was on my way back to his house from a college buddys house he called

cnfssnlgirl: my cell.. i was in my car.

cnfssnlgirl: we talked for like six hours on her phone

cnfssnlgirl: he told me she was crying in the other room

cnfssnlgirl: I didn't care

cnfssnlgirl: He didn't come home that night

cnfssnlgirl: i stayed at his house with the hope he would

cnfssnlgirl: then. sunday

cnfssnlgirl: I waited all day for him to come home, to call

cnfssnlgirl: never anything

cnfssnlgirl: then i called sunday night over there

cnfssnlgirl: she answered i asked for him

cnfssnlgirl: she gave him the phone

cnfssnlgirl: he wouldn't talk to me

cnfssnlgirl: i asked what had happened between last night and today that he would change so much

cnfssnlgirl: he said nothing

cnfssnlgirl: (as in silence)

cnfssnlgirl: then.. I said. you can't talk b/c she's sitting there right?

cnfssnlgirl: He said, yeah, CLICK

cnfssnlgirl: my heart was BROKEN

cnfssnlgirl: I gathered up all the memories he had of us, all the cards i Had given him

cnfssnlgirl: and left

cnfssnlgirl: went hom

cnfssnlgirl: home, and cried cried cried

cnfssnlgirl: to grandma

cnfssnlgirl: finally got settled down

cnfssnlgirl: and my cell phone rings

cnfssnlgirl: it's her noumber

cnfssnlgirl: i hear arguing.. then click

cnfssnlgirl: I started crying again

cnfssnlgirl: laid back down in bed

cnfssnlgirl: and the phone rings

cnfssnlgirl: it's him

cnfssnlgirl: he says that she's the one who hung up on me

cnfssnlgirl: and that she drank a bottle of wine and took a bunch of pills, but he's coming home

cnfssnlgirl: to me

cnfssnlgirl: I went to his house

cnfssnlgirl: he got home at like 2 am

cnfssnlgirl: then the phone rings at 4 am

cnfssnlgirl: Guess who it is?

cnfssnlgirl: I answered, his brother answered

starseed705: i think i know! =)

cnfssnlgirl: Nathan said it was done

cnfssnlgirl: Well.

cnfssnlgirl: We spent new years together.

cnfssnlgirl: then

cnfssnlgirl: the wednesday following newyears

cnfssnlgirl: he was going to pick me up to go to bowling with him

cnfssnlgirl: he calls, all weird and shit, and says he has to help his dad with the car

cnfssnlgirl: i'm like

cnfssnlgirl: alright

cnfssnlgirl: so I show up at bowling

cnfssnlgirl: and he's all holding my hand and hsit

cnfssnlgirl: the next day i get online and look her up

cnfssnlgirl: and I apologize to her

cnfssnlgirl: b/c it was all my fault

cnfssnlgirl: then she says

cnfssnlgirl: You need to mind your own business and leave he and I alone

cnfssnlgirl: and i"m like. wtf?

cnfssnlgirl: She goes, he told me yesterday he loved me and that you guys weren't together.

cnfssnlgirl: I' m like.. when?

cnfssnlgirl: She goes.. I was at his house.

cnfssnlgirl: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

cnfssnlgirl: That was BAD.

starseed705: wow!

cnfssnlgirl: I called his ass at work

cnfssnlgirl: Calm

cnfssnlgirl: and said, come over after work we need to talk

cnfssnlgirl: then.

cnfssnlgirl: the other phone rings while he's on the phone with me

cnfssnlgirl: Guess who it is?

cnfssnlgirl: it's her

starseed705: her again!

cnfssnlgirl: Calling him at work

cnfssnlgirl: I told her online, i said, well, if he loves you so much, why is it that i"m the one who's been staying with him?

cnfssnlgirl: so she called him on that.

cnfssnlgirl: later

cnfssnlgirl: he told me that she just showed up at his work

cnfssnlgirl: at 230

cnfssnlgirl: he doesn't even get off work till 330

cnfssnlgirl: then

cnfssnlgirl: He tells me that she owes him money..

cnfssnlgirl: and he was trying to be friendly about getting the money back

cnfssnlgirl: so

cnfssnlgirl: I deal with this

cnfssnlgirl: and he tells me he's not emailing her, or talking to her on the phone

cnfssnlgirl: fast foward a week later

cnfssnlgirl: I come to his houe

cnfssnlgirl: house

cnfssnlgirl: suprise..

cnfssnlgirl: and I stand outside his bedroom door

cnfssnlgirl: and guess who he's talking to on the phoe.

cnfssnlgirl: phone.

cnfssnlgirl: Talking about this still hurts me.

cnfssnlgirl: I bust in the fucking door

starseed705: oh man, i believe it

cnfssnlgirl: tell him that It's OVER.. I'm leaving

cnfssnlgirl: He hangs up on her

cnfssnlgirl: and tries to deal with me

cnfssnlgirl: So here's the SECOND time trust is being FUCKED that I've CAUGHT him

cnfssnlgirl: Who knows what else was going on.

cnfssnlgirl: I know the porn was.

cnfssnlgirl: So.

cnfssnlgirl: The next weekend

cnfssnlgirl: He tells me that he's not sure he wants to risk getting hurt by me again

cnfssnlgirl: we cry, talk about her, and us

cnfssnlgirl: and things are really up in the air by him

cnfssnlgirl: i dunno what's going to happen

cnfssnlgirl: we are getting better.. i was going to spend the night

cnfssnlgirl: and the phone rings

cnfssnlgirl: it's her

cnfssnlgirl: he get's all sad and depressed

cnfssnlgirl: b/c he knows it hurts me

cnfssnlgirl: I leave

cnfssnlgirl: I figured it was done.

cnfssnlgirl: This was a saty night

cnfssnlgirl: so i went down to wsu to be with friends

cnfssnlgirl: the next day i get online to put in an entry about how we were over

cnfssnlgirl: and the phone rings.

cnfssnlgirl: That was the pretty much end of Cynthia

cnfssnlgirl: But then I caught him with the porno

cnfssnlgirl: three times

cnfssnlgirl: so.

cnfssnlgirl: His personality didn't change till the end of april

starseed705: wow, that is something else, i'll tell ya that

cnfssnlgirl: I said i love you from the begginning

cnfssnlgirl: he didn't say it until may 20something

cnfssnlgirl: Things have been really really difficult

cnfssnlgirl: and he gets pissed whenever i ask about his bank statements..

cnfssnlgirl: but the third time i caught him lying about porn, (i found out by getting ssn and bank statemetns, and cc statemetns)

starseed705: i can imagine...but you just have to remember that if he has nothing to hide, he won't mind you asking about the bank statements

cnfssnlgirl: I left

cnfssnlgirl: I was done.

cnfssnlgirl: His agreement, when we resolved that situation, was that he would hand over statements, he would open pay pal, and his email whenever i wanted.

cnfssnlgirl: And You are right

cnfssnlgirl: If he had nothing to hide he would be alright

cnfssnlgirl: So I know something isn't "all" right there.

cnfssnlgirl: But then he twists it into a "you don't trust me bull shit thing"

starseed705: eventually you'll crack into whatever it is...girls just have that instinct

cnfssnlgirl: like when i found the porn all three times, it wasn't ANY of my business.

cnfssnlgirl: lol

cnfssnlgirl: But.

cnfssnlgirl: That's the story of NATHAN.

cnfssnlgirl: Fun.

starseed705: boys, i swear

cnfssnlgirl: The whole year before, he was different.

starseed705: but at least you two have made it this far, that definitely shows some hope

cnfssnlgirl: Not like that at all.

cnfssnlgirl: so.. that's the only reason he even had the chances he had you know?

starseed705: right...because there's still some hope that the nathan that you fell in love with is in there

starseed705: and that's where couple's therapy would be helpful but i know you said he won't go for that

cnfssnlgirl: and if there is ONE more thing.. it's over. I told him sunday that if anything happens like it happened last saty (*me crying him yelling) we were done. I said, I wouldn't be with you if that's what I wanted, I'd be with my abusive Dan. (brian) lol

cnfssnlgirl: You know what.. maybe he would do couples therapy.

starseed705: totally, i felt you on that one

cnfssnlgirl: i know if anything else happens.. i'm done.

starseed705: dan actually reminded me more of jesse's dad (billy) than my brian

cnfssnlgirl: dan.. lol

cnfssnlgirl: yeah.. i can still feel the hands around my neck and the brick against my back

there was more convo here, but the most important parts for the purpose i'm using this for is satisfactory. andipants is a great friend. and i hope that she and scott are happy forever.

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

.nothing.fuck.it. - 11.25.02

.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02