it's 1030pm and nathan is still here. i just got done writing an email to one of the best girls in the world, andipants, and i talked to my auntie barb about the new job at Stanfield Place. :) the office is actually associated with the same hospital she works for, since she works for UVMC, I work for UVPC. :) she knows a lot about the doctors i'll be working with and the office. i'm really excited. tomorrow i go in to have them read my arm and make sure i don't have TB. (which i don't because the fluid in my arm didn't turn into a marble size lump) hopefully tomorrow i will hear from cindy and i'll be able to get my orientation scheduled. i'm super psyched about working and making $$ again. it sucks being poor as hell. for some reason i'm having lower right calf pain. it's strange. i received more bills in the mail yesterday, fun. especially when you only have 10 dollars in the bank, and not very much gas in your car.

i've been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with my mother. it's not what it could be, but i don't think it will ever be anything more than it is. she's caring, sure, and she *i guess* loves me in what little way she can. i do have my grandmother, but it's still really hard to not have the kind of relationship i'd like to have with my mother. sure, i could talk to her about this, but i think it would go in one ear and out the other. my mother has really low self-esteem, and while i was growing up, we fought, a lot. that's why i moved in with my grandparents. she would go out drinking, come home, and get in my face arguing with me. there were quite a few times i had to push her off of me, but then she would give me guilt trips about how i hit her, and look at these bruises. did i ever say ANYTHING about the bruises on my arms? the hurt she caused me? has she EVER raised a hand to my brother? no. not that i can ever remember.

what's wrong with me? the whole time i was in jr high she would tell everyone how bad i was, how i was satan spawn. how do you think that affected me? i didn't have a very high self esteem either!

oh well. past things can't be changed, but i do have some control over the future.

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

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