i sometimes don't know what to do with myself. things just mount up and i want to scream and stop. i want sometimes to have time for me. i want my mom to be normal, normal like she's never been. i want to know who my dad is sometimes. i want to be happy occasionally. i want to feel like i am accomplishing things. i want to feel like i'm not causing problems. i want my grandparents to live as long as i live. i want to be more spiritual. i want to be a good person, a good mom, a good friend. i want to be beautiful inside and out.

sometimes when i think about the inside of me i picture a rotten apple core. i try to hard to be nice, and outgoing. but it doesn't work. i suck. that's it. i'm a bitch and there's nothing i can do to change that. i'm not a normal girl, not a normal person. sometimes i think i'm ruined. i sometimes think about how there might be this boy out there, for me. he's perfect, but how am i going to find him. i think about this boy, and how he would do all these things. and everything i did he would want and love. it would be perfect. we might have our fights, but it wouldn't be anything compared to what i go through now. how he would understand when i need time alone, how i need to be held a lot, how sometimes i just need to cry and talk, but sometimes i just need silence. i think about how he would make me and sydney happy, and things would be great. i would smile more, laugh more, and worry about stupid un-trivial things less.

is he there? as long as i don't know where i am, how can i find him?? i think my biggest fear is being/turning out like my mom.... a big fucked up psychological mess.

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

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