Nathan-

I don't know what to say to you. Nice little note you left me. But it seems pretty convenient that all the sudden, the porn you look at, appears to be your dad! Isn't it a little too ironic that it happens on a Friday when you can do it, and then blame it on your dad. This is bullshit. Even if I am obsessed with making sure the person who once lied to me three.. wait.. four times doesn't lie to me again. You don't even seem to understand. This porn thing is huge, a huge huge, huge problem. And if you can't understand why I can't get over it, you need to sit and think for awhile. And the way you are acting really doesn't make me want to "get" back with you. Sunday, I was crying, telling you I needed a break, and all you can say is "this seems awfully familiar".

Not, "I understand, you are sick, your parents are having problems, work is overwhelming, school is starting, your brother is leaving, I love you and I will do whatever you need to get through this." NO! It wasn't like that was it?

All of the sudden, NATHAN is the ONLY one who fucking matters!

I love you Nathan, but I cannot see myself spending the rest of my life with you at this point. You have changed so much, and I have changed... due to the things that have happened. I can't deal with someone who lied to me, and who doesn't understand that I get a little upset about things that are questionable. You can't understand where I am coming from. You just won't allow yourself to do it.

You don't want to marry me, you don't want to move in with me, you don't even want to talk to me about it.

At one time you would rather look at porn and jack off in the shower than have sex with me.

At one time you would have rather chatted with a naked girl(s), telling her all the things you should have been telling me. You will never know how much that hurt us.. you won't ever allow yourself to think about it.

You did it this time Nathan, and I can walk away, knowing that I DID try 200% to make it work.

I can't deal with those memories anymore. And I can't deal with you not understanding that.

I love you, and wish you the best. If you want to try to start over, and we can "date" that would be fine by me. It's going to have to be a little bit down the road....But something different needs to happen, and I need to be alone for awhile.

All I think about is how Yeah, I am obsessed with making sure the one person I really let my guard down for isn't lying to me again, and that's really sad.... very, very sad.

And how the person I am supposed to be in love with, doesn't want to make love to me, send me flowers, come home to me everyday, talk about our wedding day, and our future.

Fuck you if you don't understand that.

<3,

Erika

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

.nothing.fuck.it. - 11.25.02

.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02