Would anyone else like to kill me today? Any takers? One slice of my heart only ten cents.. well worth it too......... since I'm not worth anything worth anything since anything was worth nothing.

You'll have to forgive my tears on the page ruining the ink today.... I've just had an eye opening experience. One that tears my precious fragile soul to shreds.... can the tears ever stop?? I just want to crawl up and be numb...... to not be able to feel..... nothing.... nothing..... that's what I want..... to be nothing..... and now that I am..... it hurts.. it hurts so bad. Please make it stop...... after I get done crying.... I'll get angry... and I'll get mad.. and I'll be hurt.. and I'll want to hurt back...... but hurting back is not the answer... at least right now when tears are streaming down my face it's not.....tomorrow morning. when I'm getting ready for work.. and I notice my eyes are red and puffy.. and I look like shit.. that's when I'll get mad.... when the people at work ask me what's wrong? Do you feel okay?

Well.. if you wanted to puke up your heart how would you feel?

Here's the entry I put in my "paper" journal tonight after HE left...

does HE really not understand what he said and why I feel this way? Or is HE playing with me.... and HE knows exactly what HE said... and HE'S playing dumb.. making me the fool... as always. So stupid..... I want to Be NOTHING! please........ this hurts so bad......this hurts like hell.......

What can I do??????????????????

Saturday night we went out to eat, and HE was talking about relationships.. and HE said something about his dream woman......and then He looked at me and said... don't worry honey.. i've already found my dream woman..

then tonight... while we were laying here... watching TV.. I said.. I'm sorry.. for what he said? everything..

what do you mean everything? Like the past he said? and I said.. yeah.....that's all behind us now.. he said.. and I said.. than why can't you love me? I knew you were going to say that he said....

one sec.. gotta blow nose....(brb)

i said.. did you mean what you said saturday? about what he said.. and I said.. about me being your dream woman...

what he said.. i said that he said..

yes i said.. i don't remember that he said.. and i cried.. without him knowing ... and he said... (laughing)

honey.. did you make that up just now?

Can someone please pick my heart up off the floor? I think someone just stepped on it.

I'm going to go to bed now... hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow in better spirits.. haha.. right. Tomorrow is already proving to be just as hopeless as today proved to be.

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

.nothing.fuck.it. - 11.25.02

.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02