My Life As A Doormat.

That would the the title of my auto biography if I wrote one. My life has been up and down ever since I was little, but more down than anything. There are things that I keep hidden away in my head, in this box, and most of my childhood and adolescence is in that box. Packed tightly away, so I won't remember, I won't see it, and so it won't affect me. Every now and then though, somehow, things leak out of the box, and for an instant, I start to remember things about my childhood. It scares me, and so I shove it back into the box where I hope it will stay until I'm ready to deal with it, or maybe until it just goes away. That's hopeful thinking though, and we all know that being hopeful is the where we all are wrong. In this sense, I wonder what on Earth makes me want to go into psychology. Is it that i hope to help people do what I can not?

Is it that I want to work with children, to help, to hope, to undo the shit that will make them a fucking mess when they are an adult? So i can fix it before it gets too late?

So when they are twenty they can look back on their childhood with happiness and reflect on how it was growing up.

So that they don't resent their parents, the adults, the evil fucking enemies that ruin potenitally good childhoods... the girl or boy in school that bullied them and made their life a living hell, the evil of divorce, step mom's/dad's, abusive boyfriends, abused mom's, manipulative parenting..

I could go on and on, but it only makes me want to take the stuff out of the box and let it out.. and for now, i would rather keep all of it locked up.. for fear of what would happen, if ever, i come face to face with the memories of my childhood. I have a feeling it would break me before it would get better. What makes us remember certain things? Those little memories of when we were little, you don't remember all of it, just usually the trying times, or there is some significance to the memory, you can tie it to something that happened in your life at that time, or that it was an extremely nice memory, or it was extremely scary.

All i can do right now, is look at my life, it's good.. i have a wonderful boyfriend, who is absolutely wonderful to me, a great daughter who is so beautiful and cute it's almost sinful, and I have a loving family (sort-of disfunctionally loving). But what really gets you in the long run, is that you can try to keep all your past BEHIND you, you can shove it into that box, and hope to never see it again, but it will always be there.. affecting things, life, situations, relationships, jobs, attitudes....

like how i realize i sometimes try to push people away... they get to close, i get wary, and i subconciously try to get them to leave, so that it doesn't hurt me in the long run..

sabatogeing (sp?) relationships, is sometimes my speciality. (sp?)

I love Nathan, but I find commonly, my negative thoughts, come around, when there is no reason for them to be there.. and i get negative, it affects the relationship, and i realize what I am doing, and I stop.

It's an on-going battle...

always....

Me vs. Myself

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

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