FeelingHopeFull: hey babe how are you

CnfssnlGirl: I AM SO EXHAUSTED EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, EVERYWAY.

CnfssnlGirl: HOW ARE YOU?

FeelingHopeFull: i am good

FeelingHopeFull: tired. but good

FeelingHopeFull: whats got you so drained darling

CnfssnlGirl: the what could be maybe i'm getting a little sick... the who is nathan.

CnfssnlGirl: I just don't know what i'm going to do about it all.

CnfssnlGirl: I'm happy, but at the same time, i'm absolutely miserable.

CnfssnlGirl: i cry, and i also laugh

CnfssnlGirl: i love , yet i hate sometimes too.

CnfssnlGirl: i hate him for all these feelings...

CnfssnlGirl: and for not returning all that i've given.

FeelingHopeFull: understood

FeelingHopeFull: brian is being good but i am aprehensive because he seems to be acting his nervous self again and i am afraid that yet again he isn't ready to have my in his life

CnfssnlGirl: nervous self? how so?

FeelingHopeFull: he just gets wierd on me

FeelingHopeFull: wierd about spending to much time together

FeelingHopeFull: cuddly but distant feeling

CnfssnlGirl: maybe he's scared of being hurt by you.

FeelingHopeFull: he is scared of being in love with me

FeelingHopeFull: he told me

CnfssnlGirl: i know that sounds rideculous to you and I, but you never know.

CnfssnlGirl: I want to pull away from Nathan.

CnfssnlGirl: i'm scared about spending too much time with him.

CnfssnlGirl: i would just feel safer at more of a distance.. you know?

FeelingHopeFull: and he is scared he doesn't have enough time for me and that he will have problems with his sobriety and his job and his bills if he takes to much time for me

FeelingHopeFull: i wish i wasn't in love with him

CnfssnlGirl: i understand that you have to take chances to be in love, but i am tired of those concequences.

FeelingHopeFull: i wish he would say he hated me, and just let me go on, but i wouldn't believe him even if he did

FeelingHopeFull: i can see it in his eyes

FeelingHopeFull: i am as well

CnfssnlGirl: he'll be able to do it, he just needs you to tell him that he is strong, and able.

FeelingHopeFull: i have

FeelingHopeFull: I am too emotionallly unstable for him

FeelingHopeFull: he has made that very apparent

CnfssnlGirl: what do you mean?

FeelingHopeFull: he just says that i am overwhelming

FeelingHopeFull: and that sometimes he can't handle me

CnfssnlGirl: overwhelming how?

FeelingHopeFull: just my emotional problems

FeelingHopeFull: my mood swings

FeelingHopeFull: he said that my mood is like the ohio whether, if you don't like it wait twenty minutes and it will change, he said this jokingly of course but its the truth

CnfssnlGirl: ........

CnfssnlGirl: how is that him saying you are overwhelming?

CnfssnlGirl: ????

FeelingHopeFull: well he told me straight out that i am overwhelming

FeelingHopeFull: he said amanda sometimes you overwhelm me

CnfssnlGirl: what's so wrong with being overwhelmed sometimes?

FeelingHopeFull: apparently everything to him

CnfssnlGirl: well amanda, i dunno what to tell you.

CnfssnlGirl: You have what you wanted.

CnfssnlGirl: in a sense

FeelingHopeFull: i know i am just going to wait a little bit and see what happens

FeelingHopeFull: see if he is going to run away from me again

CnfssnlGirl: if you aren't sure, don't put YOUR life on hold.

FeelingHopeFull: or stay

CnfssnlGirl: not one fucking guy is worth it.

CnfssnlGirl: if i didn't have sydney, and nathan and i were together,

CnfssnlGirl: anyways

CnfssnlGirl: I still wouldn't hesitate to leave him behind and follow my dreams.

CnfssnlGirl: And if we were ment to be, we would be.

CnfssnlGirl: But you see, he doesn't see it that way .

CnfssnlGirl: it's a good thing i have sydney

CnfssnlGirl: i'd have put a bullet through my head a long time ago

FeelingHopeFull: i know, i will follow my dreams, but right now i don't have the money, or the mental capacity to do it

CnfssnlGirl: take time for AMANDA

CnfssnlGirl: when school is out, take time for yourself.

FeelingHopeFull: i will

CnfssnlGirl: YOU need to decide what is best, because only you know yourself like you do.

CnfssnlGirl: I keep feeling like I'm suffocating.

CnfssnlGirl: I'm putting out more air than I take in.

FeelingHopeFull: we are going to florida, my family and i, and the girls are going to take a trip to kentucky for a week away, i just feel like i don't want to get out of bed

CnfssnlGirl: it's a horrid feeling.

CnfssnlGirl: I understand amanda.

CnfssnlGirl: i feel that same way.

CnfssnlGirl: NO cutting tho, please. I love you.

FeelingHopeFull: i haven't

FeelingHopeFull: and i am trying not to think about doing it

FeelingHopeFull: I love you too babe

FeelingHopeFull: we will find good guys, or the ones we have will realize that we are worth it.

CnfssnlGirl: I hate feeling this way.

CnfssnlGirl: I just want to give up.

FeelingHopeFull: not get out of bed

FeelingHopeFull: not try

CnfssnlGirl: fuck it all.

CnfssnlGirl: Yep.

FeelingHopeFull: not move, or see the sun

FeelingHopeFull: just wallow in it

CnfssnlGirl: not eat, not think

FeelingHopeFull: because its easier to wallow than to drag yourself out of it

CnfssnlGirl: just be there.. alone, without the damn confusion

FeelingHopeFull: but even last night when i was trying to sleep i just kept thinking about everything

FeelingHopeFull: i wanted to feel numb but my mind was racing

FeelingHopeFull: ugh

CnfssnlGirl: i was with you then

CnfssnlGirl: i was crying for you and i.

FeelingHopeFull: i just wanted to sleep

FeelingHopeFull: and i couldn't

CnfssnlGirl: and i was thinking about how much we have in common about what's going on?

FeelingHopeFull: and then this morning thank god for stacy cause i wouldn't have made it to school

CnfssnlGirl: what did stacy do.

FeelingHopeFull: she showed up this morning and bought me waffle house :-)

FeelingHopeFull: made me get out of bed

CnfssnlGirl: lmao

CnfssnlGirl: that's a great friend.

CnfssnlGirl: I just keep thinking i'm worthless.

FeelingHopeFull: definitely

CnfssnlGirl: the phrase...

CnfssnlGirl: why buy the cow, if you get the milk for free..

FeelingHopeFull: well i have to go help clean up before we leave school

FeelingHopeFull: yeah

CnfssnlGirl: goes through my head.

FeelingHopeFull: thats how i feel sometimes

CnfssnlGirl: talk to you later.

CnfssnlGirl: bye amanda.

FeelingHopeFull: like he has me and he knows that

FeelingHopeFull: bye sweetie

FeelingHopeFull: talk ot you later

CnfssnlGirl: kay

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

.nothing.fuck.it. - 11.25.02

.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02