this is a new entry for today, the real entry is before this one. this is the:

.letter.to.nathan.

I know that you don't want to believe me when I say what I feel. Especially when it's something that you aren't feeling and you feel bad for not responding. I want you to know something. The first time I looked at you I looked at you so much differently than I had ever looked at anyone. Nathan, you rocked my socks off. I thought you were the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen, and you still are. You are the sweetest guy ever, I used to love the things you did for me, the things you said to me, and I now know why I should have cherished those times instead of taking them for granted. I would give practically anything to hear those things again, from your mouth, and from your heart, but I can't help but think when I fucked up, I fucked up for good, and there's not ever going to be any turning back. I get disparaged, and I want to give up, thinking that there is no hope and that we are both just wasting our time, and you can't blame me for feeling that way when you don't do anything to reinforce what your mouth speaks about working things out and your actions reverse.

Some of the things you do and say hurt me, and you don't even know it. Some of the things I do and say hurt you and I don't even know it. How are we going to get anywhere with out good communication?

I need to work on listening and being open, and you do too.

If this is going to work out, if you really want this to be what it could be, you have to help me. I can't carry this relationship by myself and keep lying to myself thinking I'm happy when really all I am is just not sad and not alone.

You said tonight that you knew me too well, I too know you that well Nathan, and when something is up I know. And you know when I'm up to something. Honesty and truthfulness from here on out is what I am about, and if you can't offer than then this isn't going to be what it can be.

You are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are the one that I love, and cherish. I love being with you and talking to you, laying with you, relaxing with you, joking with you, I love loving you Nathan.

And I hope that one day you can love loving me too.

I'm sorry for everything in the past. I feel like I can't say that enough Nathan.

I want you to be in this relationship because you care about me A LOT, because you think you just might love me. Don't be with me just because I'm someone to be with, and you don't want to be ALONE so you'll be with me. I don't want that and we will both get hurt in the end. I feel like sometimes that is what you are in this for. No emotions. Just the motions.

I am sorry I get upset and jealous sometimes nathan, but I am scared about losing you.

That's not an excuse I know, but you have to let me work things like that out. If I were more comfortable with how you felt about us, and things it would definately be different. I would be more secure. I just want to know where you view us in a year. If anything. I don't want to want something that you have no intentions of ever wanting.

think about me, think about you, think about us,

and then let me know.

I love you

erika

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

.nothing.fuck.it. - 11.25.02

.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02