Let's see. What can I bitch about? THERE are a LOT of things going WRONG now. Like the fact that I am ALONE right now on my bed typing on my lap top and worrying about how long this battery is going to REALLY last, because, ALAS, Where I live, In OHIO, we have no Electric for the SECOND day in a row. I've gone a couple HOURS without electric before, but never a couple DAYS. How lame is that? And it's because of the stupid fucking weather we had starting Monday early early morning. Ice and Snow. Snow and Ice. Whichever whatever, it SUCKS ASS. Nathan left me here by myself because he would rather be clean and alone, then being dirty and with me.

I guess that means I suck huh?

Oh well. Someone has to so everyone else looks better.

This will be Day ONE with out a shower. This is so stupid. I want a HOT shower so bad. I think if our power isn't back on tomorrow morning, I'll be going over to my mothers to take a shower and give Sydney a bath. This is getting out of control. I went to the dentist today. They filled one of my teeth. My face was numb on the left side and whenever I would smile I looked like I had that disease. They also want to take out my wisdom teeth. And I don't just mean PULL out, I mean they have to CUT the god damned things out. MOMMY!!! I asked today what I can do about being OUT of it when it happens. They said you can in fact, but put out completely, but it costs 260 dollars. I am BEGGING for some one to feel merciful and send me 260 dollars to be put out when I go to get my wisdom teeth pulled. I WILL SEND YOU THE TEETH they EXTRACT if you want! PLEASE!!!!!!

I'm so desperate. I do NOT want to be awake when they do this procedure. Love me and be merciful. Send me the money. Last night we ate Taco Bell by candle light because we had no electric and then we went to bed. When I got up this morning, at quarter till EIGHT the electric came back on, and I was like... Thank You Lord, I can curl my hair. I really wanted to shower, but I didn't have time, I have to be at work at 8 30 and I leave at 8 to get there by that time. Boo Hoo! What I don't understand about Nathan leaving is that if we are dirty together what does it matter? There is no one else I want to impress with my cleanliness. If he's clean and I'm dirty he will make me feel like less of a clean person.

Anyways,

Jeanette is this girl I work with at my job, she's a great girl. Her boyfriend is a LOSER though and she needs to dump his ass for this guy AJ who, from what I hear, will treat her the way she needs to be treated.

On a serious note, I wish that Nathan would realize what he means to me. I keep getting the feeling that he's with me just to be with someone, because he doesn't want to be alone. And I don't want us to be together for that reason. I want us to be together because we care A LOT for eachother. I know he doesn't feel the way about me that I feel about him. I've come to accept that. And I'm dealing with pushing those strong feelings away so that I don't make him uncomfortable. But I find when I shove those feelings away, I'm also shoving him away, and starting to feel differently about things. Even though I know that I love him and want to possibly spend the rest of my life with him. But for him there are other things that are more important than me and my happiness. It didn't used to be like that, but that's my fault and he'll probably never forgive me. I find that I can't stay mad at him, and I'm feeling like I'm beginning to look like a rug. Rugs are made for walking on, and I don't want to be walked on.

*sigh*

I wish he at least liked me.

Maybe even loved me.

Who am I kidding?

I'm the only one locked inside this cell.

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

.nothing.fuck.it. - 11.25.02

.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02