he came over and laid on my pillow, it smells like smoke now, and i don't want to like it because it smells like he did tonight, and it's mixed with his real smell, and I want to be angry and not feel. and that scares me. the fact that i don't know what i want to feel scares me. it's like there's this girl, and she is so in love with this boy, and the boy isn't in love with her, and slowly the boy starts falling in love with this girl, and this girl starts falling out of love with this boy, until it's opposite, and the boy is so in love with the girl, but the girl isn't in love with the boy. and it ends, and she grows up, and she sees what she had, and the girl finds that love hidden down under all this dark deep shit that her peers and so-called friends have dumped on her, and she cleans off the love, that is stained, and she offers it to the boy again, and the boy, he doesn't love the girl anymore because she hurt him, and he doesn't want to take the love because that would mean that he could find the love he had for her again, but the boy and the girl, they make mistakes, and the girl is willing to try, to let things go, and the boy says he's willing to change, and to do what makes her happy, but neither one will make the first move because the boy has been hurt by the girl and the girl has now been hurt by the boy.

and the girl once turned into this evil bitch who the boy tried to love, and tried to understand, but she just pushed him away.

I feel like pushing now, not because I'm the evil bitch again, but because i'm tired of feeling the way i do now. because all the feelings that i used to get when i was around this boy, they have slowly withered away and faded, while he still holds me at bay, i'm getting restless and depressed.

**this entry probably doens't make sense at all, but it was time to be serious and get all the stuff that's been bothering me out onto the table. *tears* I love him, what can I do? i love him so much........ and he doesn't even understand. Someone should disconnect my ANS. Thanks. Much better.

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

.nothing.fuck.it. - 11.25.02

.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02