this morning i have some time before i head off to work so i thought i might update everyone on what has been going on. (as if anyone reads, haha) first off, the reason i haven't been updating as often is that i started my new job last week. it's been exciting but it's tiring when you haven't worked really physically in two months and then you get a job where the physical demands for it far surpasses anyother you have had. (point is, when i get home i'm tired, and i want to spend time with family; ie: sydney, nathan) speaking of nathan, the whole thing happened again. i downloaded a program to his computer and what the program does is that it records all computer usage information. it tells me what sites are visited, what programs are run, and it gives me screenshots. well... last thursday night when nathan left here he went home and looked at porn, first thing friday morning i knew, and i tried to go through-out my day as if nothing had happened.... around 330 i called him, told him to stay at home, he asked why, i told him because we needed to talk.. he said, i didn't do anything bad .. what's this about... blah blah blah. he said, it's hot there, i'll see you at your house, and from there i'll go on my little police job shadowing thing, i said, if you come to my house you might be leaving a lot sooner than you expected too. he said, what's that mean? that we're done? fine, we're done, i'm not going to have you hounding me about something i didn't do all night... so we hung up. 4 o'clock rolls around and i get out of work early, i head over to his house and lo and behold, he's downstairs on his computer. so i totally am like, nathan, you have a problem, you need help, i'm willing to help you get help.. blah blah blah... he's like.. what are you talking about? i didn't do anything.. then i said.. bull shit.. i know everything you did last night, i have it in an email, wanna see? he knew he was caught, b/c he didn't say a damn thing... i kept asking if he wanted help, and then he didn't say anything i said we were done.. walked out, then walked back in, went into his room where he was, tore out the pictures of sydney from his wallet and screamed three fucking years down the tube.. the tube part was kinda choked up b/c i was starting to cry.. then as i was turning away i said i hate you.. and i left. well.. that night he went out with travis to do this job shadowing thing, and at about midnight i took all his shit to his house, and talked t his sister, and then left. went to west milton, saw them driving around and then i went home. all evening i bawled.. cried my eyes out.. and he was able to go on like nothing had happened. the next day i tried to just say fuck it.. but i ended up going over there anyways.. i screamed, i yelled, i cried.. i wanted at least some closure. he yelled back at the breaking point when i said to him, what nathan.. why porn? do you not like having sex? am i too fat? am i not good enough? you'd rather look at porn and jack it in the shower than have sex with me? he goes.. i'd say what it is but you'd get mad at me.. what nathan.. what is it? I don't like having sex! he yelled.. i was so pissed.. i threw my sunglasses at him and screamed at him... then he got up.. told me to leave... and then i started bawling. we talked.. and he said that he feels inadequate in the bedroom because i don't always cum, and instead of risking feeling like a failure and have sex with me, ***low self esteem*** he would rather just "jack it in the shower". so we have issues there to resolve, i told him that before when i was being a bitch, the only reason i stayed as long as i did was b/c the sex was so great.. *true* and that if i wanted someone else i'd have someone else. we both think that we don't have it enough... and that sometimes i'm too dominating.. so.. i'm going to work on things like that. he knows that program is on there.. he made the comment that i had him cornered.. and i replied.. yeah... i do. at least this time it was "free" porn. except the one website he was subscribing to.. but i cancelled that one last night and i'm going to talk to him about any other ones as well tonight. this is going to get resolved.

i also took the engagement ring he bought for me almost two years ago.. i told him that if he decided he wanted to marry me he could purchase another one (damn it, i deserve it now) and then i circled a 1400 dollar ring. at least now if we don't work out, i'll have something worth value to get rid of besides the playstation 2. haha.

i do love nathan.. with all my heart. i can't see myself growing old with anyone else. but i won't subject myself to this. we will get therapy.. whether he likes it or not.. because it's not just he and i.. my precious daughter is involved... and that's where i'll draw the line. if he wants a family, he's going to have to work for it.

some of you may be disapointed in me, but i wish you could have been there saturday. believe me when i say, that if this happens again, he will go to therapy.. or we will be over. I promise you this.

we saw the movie "signs" this weekend.. i liked it, he didn't. oh well.

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

.nothing.fuck.it. - 11.25.02

.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02