although i have my two interviews tomorrow, and i bought, The Perks Of Being a Wallflower, i still feel like i'm thinking too much.

Death does that to you.

It's so funny, how you think, is there something I could have said? Something I could have done?

WHAT IF?

and you hope that it might have changed the situation.

Last night one of our neighbors, Dick Carmany, hung himself in his barn about 9pm. I grew up around him, and his daughter Megan, she's a few years younger than I am. Dick's parents live right next to us, and Dick only lived about 1/2 mile down on the same road. I saw him almost every day. At the corner, farming, driving. Doing something. Suicide.... didn't he ever think of his family? suicide is selfish.

It's like when my childhood friend Sarah died a few years ago, my junior year of high school. She was killed when a drunk driver hit her car. I hadn't seen her since Christmas, when she and I and Auntie Barb went shopping and out to Applebee's. I remember how much fun it was.. how much fun we had together that time, and how i thought about how good it would be to get to know her better again. (girls grow up and apart)

I never did call her, and I often wonder, what if I had called her? What if we had become friends again and she was with me somewhere that night. She'd still be here.

What if I had stopped one day and asked Dick about his daughter, Megan, and how she was doing. Would it have maybe changed things?

Life is a huge stupid game. Sometimes you lose, sometimes you draw, but you never ever ever win.

The thought of WINNING is a joke, you never win, you might come out ahead a little sometimes, but then you just get sucked back under.

death seems so definate, it's hard to imagine that one day someone is here, physically, that you can see them if you want, you can talk to them. But you don't. And then before you know it, they are gone. Even if you wanted to you couldn't call them, see them, or hug them.

we (youth) really do seem to think we are invincible. nothing can stop us??

no, something can stop us...

life stops us

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

.nothing.fuck.it. - 11.25.02

.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02