she slides into the booth with care. for she is not as skinny as those there around her. she sits in the diner and looks at those who surround her. the way she feels now is quite suprising due to the way she felt when she left the house. at the house, looking in the mirror.. thinking.. this is nice.. i look good. now, sitting here, surrounded by all these beautiful skinny people she worries about the people staring at her. talking about how she's cute, but she needs to lose some weight. how she knows she needs to lose weight, but for some reason, to her, it's never really seemed like that big of a deal. now, it seems, it's beginning to bother her in ways she never thought possible. where she never thought about it before, now it always is crossing her mind. she thinks about how fat she is, how people look at her and scream fat with their eyes. when she is sitting, she visualizes herself sitting there.. looking fat. so self concious. she feels she will never be what she wants to be. to be skinny, to be able to not be self concious about her being fat, about how her clothes fit, about her fat belly sticking out. she thinks about how it all started with him. how she was so comfortable, how she was so broken down that she thought there would never be a time where she would need to impress anyone. he hit her, but she thought she deserved it, with time, she gradually gained more and more weight, till finally, in her senior year, she discovered she was pregnant, and she put on the most weight in her life. she still carries around those extra pounds, having only lost 20 since the birth of her beautiful little girl. she thinks about how her boyfriend now looks at the skinner prettier girls, and how she wishes she looked like them so that he wouldn't look, or so she wouldn't be paranoid that he was looking. weighing what she weighs is extremely unhealthy. but she just can't find the motovation to lose weight, to eat right, to get off her lazy ass and do it. to get skinny. having always been a larger boned person, she was never "petite". her mother, the beautiful petite woman, she sometimes envies. why couldn't she have been built like her mother? a size 6 shoe, a small build. as she comes from her thoughts her long lost friend walks into the diner, and walks right past her. not noticing her with the addded weight. as she gets up to leave, she hears them ask the waitress if she had seen anyone. as she walks out the door.. a single tear falls from her face..... and a whisper of something that seems that will never be... i wish i was skinny.... then i would be beautiful.

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

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.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02