how funny, i expected him to talk to me, to make it better.

to turn around and walk away was not what i wanted.

he doesn't care.

why should i waste words precious like

i love you

if the words aren't really words at all, but actions.

doubting.

hating this stupid shit.

"you want to sit and plan the future in one night."

Fuck That, Fuck You.

So sorry of me to be hopeful. Thanks for knocking me back down into my hole of uncertainty and dread, of disease and depression, of sleep, yet wakefullness. The depression and insecurity that I will experience now you hate, but you won't help to relieve it, for when you do, I get hopeful, and that scares the shit out of you, so you must shove my pretty ideas back down. farther and farther down...

why should i trust you? why should i trust anyone, even my own family leaves me. i don't know who my own father is, my mother thinks i hate her, and she shrinks away when i reach for her, my brother, the one person i have had there for me, is leaving, and we are not as close as we used to be, and my grandparents are getting older, and soon they will take the path of life, everyone leaves me, why shouldn't you?

why do i feel so vacant? as if i'm losing a part of myself tonight, never to get it back.

i'll go escape into the middle earth for now, after i clean the mascara from my eyes, it burns.

but then again, i guess i deserve that too.

past | present

Bledgirlblue - 2003

2002 Review - 12.20.02

.end.password.blows. - 12.04.02

.nothing.fuck.it. - 11.25.02

.im.good.friend. - 11.25.02